Q&A’s - ON HOLD

Jan 9th - Problem with husband being biased against a country

Sat, 9 Jan 2010 09:04:27 +0000

Question
Note: this question was logged by someone experienced in the Demartini Method, so if I answer it with too little detail for you, please let me know and I can add more information, or point you to somewhere that will explain the concepts that I know she will already understand.

Can you please help me with this one as it really bothered me the other day!

We were sitting at the dinner table, My husband & I, my son & his girlfriend, and his friend. The tv was on - English quiz programme with about 8 English girls. The friend is very keen on languages and asked to watch the programme, and also asked "how are girls in England?". My husband replied "they are all ugly!" and then went to get the Daily Mail he'd bought earlier that day to show the friend the middle page. On it was a photo of some girls from Newcastle - (to whom he told the friend) - "look at these heathens, drunk, vulgar,..." etc.

The conversation went on and on about how people in England are all drunkards, heathens, and how absolutely ugly English girls are

In the past my husband has also saved copies of other English newspapers which say more or less the same thing as above and he purposely leaves them lying around for me to see, and also the kids. My daughter said she was terrified when she lived in London because of all the things her father had told her could happen there.

Lisa - I have many dear friends in the UK, and my family, and as you know too, I am very attached to the UK and love to come back and visit. It is, after all, where I grew up. When things like the above are said, it felt like a personal slight at me and really hurt.

Is this the trait - where I really hurt people on a personal basis? What is this situation telling me?

My husband also knows how much I'm attached and fond of the UK so why did he do it? He was laughing in my face too as he said it and almost didnt seem to care about my feelings in front of everyone around the table.

Is there anything further I could say to him at this point?

Why

So, there are a couple of things going on here, lets look at the ‘Why’ to start off with.

Within a family there is always a fine balance of values and the way that traits are expressed. If you have an extreme displayed in one person, then there will be someone else displaying the extreme opposite. For example, you often get a family with one son a policeman and the other a crook!

It’s a chicken and egg situation, but if you remove your extreme opposition then there is much less reason for his to be needed. What I am saying is that you are desperately infatuated with england and british people and are not seeing things clearly at all. He has no need of showing you anything nice about england, because you cling onto all the ‘nice’ things easily, even if they are long gone! He is just trying to show you the other side, which you keep ignoring.

To be honest, love england though I do, he is totally right. The culture has changed to become a big opposite to the ‘strong upper lip’ that we had, and the binge culture of drinking, drugs, and generally quite revolting behaviour is very predominant. We’ve just dropped to 25th country in the world in the list of best places to live - behind the majority of europe including Latvia, because of taxes, crime, and mess. We have a ridiculous govt which has probably put us in debt for a whole generation and is now frightening off the people who have the dosh to help get us out of it.

So what you need to do, is a Demartini Method session on England, until you can actually see it realistically from both a living and working perspective. It might have to be 1 trait at a time, and have it as a long term project over a couple of months.

What to say

As you start to balance your perspective on England, you will come across as a much more sensible person to listen to, rather than being emotionally upset about it.

At that point, you will be able to AGREE with him about the negatives, because he is right, but also point out the balance. Because there is always balance, and there are definitely things about England which are great (not necessarily what you see, as you may be a little out of date or behind in your perceptions). For instance, a culture of family being more important has started to arrive in the past couple of years, which can be seen in the rise of ‘Mummy Bloggers’, their importance in the current election coming up, and the finalists of Britain’s Got Talent having a huge bias towards family. Online food shopping is definitely brilliant now, and a total life-saver for a mum like me. Because of ‘Strictly come dancing’ gyms have a much more interesting range of classes now, and all of them have some kind of dance class. There is tonnes of change going on, and an opportunity for people to live a value filled life, even if it has one hell of a lot less money in it.

You are going to need to do one hell of a lot of research for this - a big list of Pro’s and Con’s (I’m talking HUNDREDS researched through the internet, so that you can actually come across as well-educated about it. All the newspapers are online now a days, so that will help. I do believe that this will be useful for you, as it will give you clarity on which country works for you and why it is likely that where you are is best - remember, many of the british traders & bankers are enroute to switzerland right now due to the tax issues here in the UK, you are about to get inundated with ex-pats ;o)

Traits

Yes, you are right, the fact that you have taken it personally, does mean that you also feel guilty for when you have said things, that would APPEAR to have intentionally been said to distress someone. So you need to look more deeply at it.

Have you said something repeatedly to someone or a group of people, criticising something that they are or love? For example, have you criticised your husband to your children? Have you criticised some of the countries that you live in? Hows about people who are not as healthy or fit as yourself? Have you said things about people who are heavier than you, around family members who might not be as slim as you are? Have you talked about the success of other golfers or business people in front of family members, in a way that they may take as a comparison? Do you always think before you speak?! Remember, it might not have been your intention to hurt, frustrate or exasperate, but you still may have done so.

Re Talking To Husband

You probably won’t achieve anything with him, until you have done some work on it yourself. But you could say something like:

“When england is discussed in such a one-sided manner, I feel hurt and upset because I love it so much. If these conversations continue then I will not stay in the room”

Notice, no use of the word ‘YOU’, and no criticism of his behaviour, just a description of your feelings and the consequences if it continues. If you don’t think your leaving the room will affect him, then you will need to find another consequence - like “I will leave the house and you can cook your own dinner!”.

You can also ask him to look for a realistic balance by saying:

“It is not possible for something to be always one way or the other, so it is not possible for ALL english women to be ugly. Where are they not ugly, or what is good about england”.

If he says ‘They are all ugly and there is nothing good about it”, then you can point out how unlikely that is amongst millions of people, and then I would recommend leaving the room for a little while, because he is a clever chappie and will probably run rings around you if you haven’t finished all the work I’ve suggested above.

With your children you can suggest that it is always wise to know the potential problems involved in a country, but that every country will also have it’s upside.

And finally
Please do leave a comment here if there is anything in the answer which doesn’t make sense to you, or which you need some clarification on, and it would be great to hear how things progress.

Who Can I Do a Demartini Session On?

Fri, 1 Jan 2010 09:46:48 +0000

The people we love or are infatuated with.
Family.
People who have angered, hurt or harmed us.
Ourselves.
To Enable Conflict Resolution in Relationships.
Divorce.
Death & Grief.
How many sessions do I need?
Does a session ever need to be repeated?

The people we love or are infatuated with. Often people don't think to do a session on the people that they love. But it is a good idea because we often put them on a pedestal. This means that we put ourselves down in comparison to them, not appreciating our own inherent perfection. Also, they will inevitably fall off the pedestal & then we fall out! So, sessions on family & best friends is a great idea.

Family  Family is also a good place to start, because however well meaning the parents were, nearly all of us have some baggage! Don't be held back by those negative beliefs & perceptions about yourself from your childhood any longer.

People who have angered, hurt or harmed us  The people we dislike the most, will bring an extremely deep healing. When we think about them, they take up our time & energy, stopping us from being in the 'Now'. For E.g. you are about to go into a meeting at work, but run into that irritating guy en route. Now you are flustered & not present during the meeting. Because your mind is not completely on the job, you do not manage to deal with a difficult situation as well as normally. They are not there, but their influence is.

Ourselves  To truly love ourselves is the greatest gift we can give

To Enable Conflict Resolution in Relationships  Relationships are always challenging, whether at work or at home, that is the point of them! There is only one thing that you can control in life & that is your reaction to a person or situation, you can not control their behaviour or change them. What is amazing is how much change you can create, by just transforming yourself. Initially, we all tend to say 'but why doesn't my partner work at the relationship as much as me'? But then you will see the freedom in the fact that you don't have to change anyone else & that you can transform anything about yourself - think of the power inherent in that thought. There is no limit. You don't need to persuade them to do anything. Just because you are part of the relationship & you have shifted your perspective, they will automatically change.

Divorce  Is a perfect example of a situation where the Demartini method™ can become invaluable. It is painful enough to go through marriage problems, a separation or a divorce. But what can often make it even worse are the emotions that run riot & the pain caused by the increasing conflict. There is another way - by turning your hurt into love, you will be able to gain comfort from seeing the bigger picture. Also, it is possible to either rescue what seemed to be unsavable or bring to a calm closure to what seemed doomed to create pain & conflict.

Death & Grief  Nothing is missing. Imagine your life without the pain of grief. Imagine knowing that you can feel that person with you all the time. I have personally done sessions on three people who died 'too early' as far as I was concerned. It is amazing to transform this pain. Also, having done the session, people find that they have a closer sense of connection to their loved ones - as though they are now deep inside us.

Basically anything that you have fear, guilt or anger about, or are perceiving as good or bad can be worked on!
How many sessions do I need?  You can just come for 1 session about a particular event in your life, or you can take it further & make it a part of your way of being. Both are perfect options, choose whichever you like, or something in between. We are never 'finished', if you wake up one morning without any problems, you will find you are dead! Once you have transformed one problem, you will move to a higher level of vibration, coherence & health. But there will be new issues & judgments at that level - we never stop learning, not even the most 'enlightened' gurus.

Does a session ever need to be repeated? It is likely that once you have done a session on your boss, that will be all that you need. However, the people that you have a lifetime relationship with, may need more work. It will not be on the same problems, but on the new ways that they are challenging you.

Most Frequently Asked Questions About the DM

Fri, 1 Jan 2010 09:46:44 +0000

Q1) How can there be Benefits to War, Death, Incest, Rape etc?
Q2) Can it be of use in a Corporation?
Q3) Is this a different form of Positive Thinking?
Q4) What Kind of Outcome Can I Expect?
 
Q) How can there be benefits to War, Death, Incest, Rape etc?
When people hear that one of the principles behind the Demartini Method™ is that there are benefits to all the 'bad' things that we perceive have happened to us & disadvantages to all the 'good' things, they always tend to say "OK, I can see that in some instances, but you cant possibly mean there are benefits to war", or "How can there be love in murder?". In fact, that was exactly my reaction. I watched in stunned disbelief as people collapsed incest, rape & unfaithfulness on a course (Please note, this was an American audience who were happy to share their experiences, whereas in other countries the sessions were kept much more personal). I have personally done sessions on alcoholism of a parent, premature death of a parent, suicide of a friend & physical & mental abuse in a relationship, & yes at the end I did say 'Thank you'.   Of course this is a challenging idea - & probably nobody has asked you to see the benefits to you, when somebody hurt you. But look on it this way. If they hurt you so bad, do you want to let them continue to run your life? By being angry at them you will be affecting your own health, not theirs. In fact it has been medically proved that the chemicals used to produce feelings of anger & unforgiveness are incompatible with happiness, calmness & contentedness. They also increase your stress levels, which lowers your immune system & leaves you susceptible to illnesses & other problems.  My other piece of advise, is to not generalise. In order to find the benefit you will need a specific example, because they will not be the same in all instances. Another way, is to investigate e.g. if you are looking for the benefits to a war, step back & research history. At the end of the day, you do not need to believe, in order to come for a session - try it & see, after all, if it is true, isn't it worth it?

Q) Can it be of use in a Corporation?
Absolutely. This is the ultimate in Personal Development combining conflict handling & stress management, incorporated with powerful healing. It will improve your customer satisfaction, reduce internal & external conflicts, help staff to reduce stress, improve their physical energy, mental clarity, & emotional health, hence both saving & making you money! When I worked at Oracle I attended a wonderful course called 'Positive thinking', which was based on cognitive therapy. I know that a Transformation Day, would be even more life changing for it's attendees. I would recommend that a corporation, also invested in each attendee having a 1to1 session as well as attending a course - that way you can encourage them to use what they have been taught. Then leave the rest up to me!

Q) Is this a different form of Positive Thinking?
Absolutely not. The principles behind the Demartini Method™ follow age old spiritual principles & scientific theories. It is about a balanced perspective, where there are both supportive & challenging events occurring equally at the same time. It is not possible in science to have a positive without a negative, think about a magnet - if you cut it in half, you just get 2 magnets! In fact, Positive thinking can be detrimental in some instances, because it denies the other part of life & encourages people to create fantasies about how life should be. Those fantasies can cause a depression, when we judge ourselves for not being able to have the life that we 'ought to be able to'.

Q) What Kind of Outcome Can I Expect?
There is always an amazing transformation, but not always in the way that we might expect. When working on a physical issue, the problem will either disappear, or it will no longer have the same effect on you. When working on relationships with people, it will either mean that we become closer to that person, or no longer attract that type of person into our lives. It can completely transform their behaviour towards us, or enable us to move on to a new stage in our lives. Often, the outcome happens with no input from ourselves - the universe appears to just sort things out for us! The other thing is that the change happens fast - incredibly so.

Demartini Certification Criteria

Thu, 31 Dec 2009 09:46:41 +0000

Certification Levels 1, 2, 3, 4
How Long Will It Take?
How Much Will It Cost?
What Else Do You Recommend?
What Is It Like Being a Demartini Teacher?

There used to be 1 level of certification (Now called Level 2 / Teacher).  Dr D is creating a 4 level system, and below are the criteria as at Jan 2009. In addition there will be a ‘points’ system, so that it can be more flexible. Plus, the Level 3/4 will also have the option to certify in other smaller workshops and eventually the B.E.

UPDATE 2010 - There are a some new criteria for Level 2 now, including assisting Dr Demartini on his Breakthrough Experience, Taking a Test and doing a presentation of columns 4 & 11. I recommend double checking with the Houston office for the full details.

Level 1 / Uncertified Trained Facilitator
Attend 1 B.E Attend the Certification course (5days) Maybe some of the DM sessions listed below NOTE: By then attending 2 more B.E’s you may qualify to assist at Dr Demartini’s Breakthrough Experiences of my Transformation Workshops

Level 2 / Certified Facilitator
NOTE - Changing I have just discovered that this is changing as of attendees of certification in 2009. The Essay is on a a different Emmerson Essay, and there is an additional requirement of Facilitating at 3 B.E’s - which can be combined with attending. I will post more info as soon as I get it. I believe that the Transcribed case study has been removed and you are now required to present 2 columns.
Attend 2 more B.E’s (3 in total) Attend Prophecy (7days) Write an Essay on Emerson’s essay on Compensation Read Emerson’s essays on Circles & Spiritual Laws 14 Personal DM sessions (including 1 on self & 1 on Dr D) 12 Client DM sessions (keep written notes) Transcribe a client DM session Run 5 Transformation Workshops with a min of 3 people & max of 5 30min interview with Dr D Read - Breakthrough Experience, Count Your Blessings, How to make one hell of a profit & still get to heaven, The Heart of Love Listen to - Balancing Emotions, Purpose Life’s driving force View - Personifying the Quantum theory

Level 3 / Senior Facilitator
Attend 3 more BE (total of 6 by now) Reattend Certification (5 days) Reattend Prophecy as refresher (7 days) Attend Empyreance I (10days) Run additional 5 x Transformation sessions with a minimum of 5 people per session 20 more client collapses  5 x Transcribed client DM sessions

Level 4 / Master Teacher
Attend 4 more BE (total of 10 by now) Reattend Certification (5 days) Reattend Prophecy as refresher (7 days) ReAttend Empyreance I (10days) Attend Empyreance II – X or Prophecy II - III Run additional 7 x Transformation sessions with a minimum of 7 people per session 20 more client collapses  10 x Transcribed client DM sessions Minimum 4 years working actively with clients

Frequently Asked Questions
1) How Long will it take?
That depends on your availability, resources & how much you immerse yourself in Dr D’s material. In my experience it does take time to truly ‘get it’ and ‘apply it’ to your life, so set your expectations for some hard work. The good news is that the requirements have reduced a little on how much required reading there is, as some of the material that I read is no longer available.

2) How Much will it cost? Dr D’s site is the place to check for prices as they can differ around the world.

3) What else do you recommend? I also recommend his Healing package of CD’s, Business Mastery CD’s, & Relationship DVD’s or CD’s. Also his books ‘ The Sacred journey of soul mates’, & ‘An amazing life in 60 days’.
I also loved these other courses ‘Relationships’ (2days), Master Planning for Life (4 days), and Empyreance (10 days) & can recommend attending as many B.E’s as possible (I’m up to 7!).

4) What is it like being a Demartini Teacher?
See my newsletters for a description of my journey and what it has been like to train as a Teacher with Dr D.

Summary Of Demartini’s Courses

Wed, 30 Dec 2009 09:46:39 +0000

Here is a quick summary of Demartini’s courses that I have attended (and in some cases retaken!).
 The Breakthrough Experience - 2 days
Relationships - 2 days
Master Planning For Life - 4 days
Certification - 5 days
Prophecy - 7 days
Empyreance - 10 days

His site is currently a little difficult to navigate, but there are full synopses available, so I really recommend that you check those out. See http://www.drdemartini.com

The Breakthrough Experience - 2 days This is Dr D’s introductory course, where on Day 1 he teaches the Demartini Method™, and you get to do a session yourself. Day 2 looks at your purpose and what you would love to do with your life. Notes: Day 1 is LONG - you will be asked to remain until everyone has finished, but it is worth it. Take snacks, there will be a morning coffee break & a lunch break, but no afternoon or evening break. What is the difference between this & a Transformation Workshop run by one of his facilitators? Well, Dr D for a start, he is an experience in himself! Also, he goes into much more depth on the science behind the Demartini Method™ than we do on a TW. TW’s are 1 day long, shorter & don’t cover Day 2. There will also be more attendees on the B.E, which has up & down sides - the upside is the energy in the room, the downside is that it can be distracting. There will be additional teachers & coaches assisting him to ensure that you get the assistance you require. My TW is a simple, practical, more intimate course purely focussed on teaching the DM & guiding you through doing a session. I do teach all of the Demartini Method - some facilitators will be teaching more of an introduction.

Relationships - 2 days One of my favourites - 2 days breaking the myths & fantasies that we have about relationships.

Master Planning For Life - 4 days Looking at all areas of life & what you would love to Be, Do & Have in them. It is an incredibly in depth course, which gives you years of material to use afterwards if you don’t manage to design all 7 areas during the 4 days. Be careful what you wish for though ;o)

Certification - 5 days Again a favourite of mine, because I love ‘doing’ & applying the work. This is a great course if you are considering becoming a coach or facilitator, or even if you would just love to gain a greater understanding of using the DM in your life. Many people attend & not all continue to become facilitators, as they will have been inspired to become authors, writers, or start a new business in something different. Even if people do not continue to certify, they still retake. Last year there was a separate class for advanced teachers who had been practicing for over 5yrs, I’m not sure if this will continue to be the case.

Prophecy - 7 days Breaking the fears in the 7 areas of life, and the beginning step to his deeper courses. By breaking these fears you have greater clarity in life, hence the concept of ‘prophecy’ - to be able to see what will happen in life due to your understanding of the universal laws. Normally 1 or 2 days are more challenging for you than others, depending on which areas of your life you are strongest in. It is a great ‘all rounder’ course, and especially perfect if you are ready to make a general change in all areas. When I first took this course I was pregnant and hormonal, which was more challenging! Whereas last time round I thoroughly enjoyed it, and was much more able to take all the information in.  Empyreance - 10 days 12 hours a day, covering everything from biology, maths, physics, religion, esoterics, astrology, astronomy - you might not remember it all, but I came away absolutely knowing (rather than believing), that there is an amazing order in this crazy universe of ours. It also goes much more deeply into the esoterics and background to Dr D’s philosophies.

Oct 9th - Whether to Employ someone or not?

Fri, 9 Oct 2009 09:39:08 +0100

Question

Ok, I am going to answer some parts during your question to make it easier, and then add some questions afterwards.

Regarding an ex-employee who we have employed off and on for a few years. Despite previous problems with him (not following instructions/operation manual, and requesting to be paid in an illegal manner), we decided to offer him a position in our old location, when we open the new one. The business offers we made to him (that by the way I followed your suggestion to decrease the fix monthly invoice and increase the percentage) was refused 3 times. Last week after we ask our good friend(financial adviser) to explain to him the benefit of having a ltd compared to been employed, he still did not get it and came back with non-intelligent questions.
I had enough and told him that the offer is gone and that as company we had enough of this game. After one week he called my partner and asks her to reconsider as he is willing to take the offer,
This is a good example of his value of power playing with yourselves. I wouldn’t normally tell someone exactly what to do, but in this instance it would seem very unwise to have someone on his own at the old location, who has a key value at work of playing power games. We all have that trait. However, he displays it at work, and you guys appear to still have problems with dealing with it.
unfortunately Charlene had a meeting with him.
This is a good example of how he plays the two of you off against each other. You will both be working in separate locations and playing into his hands, as he will be able to whisper into each of your ears separately. I don’t believe this would be ideal for your relationship either.
By Monday I will have to meet him again ,
You don’t have to meet with him at all. If you have the time then do it. Personally, I think it is a waste of time.
we both have enough even though I am thinking that in the long run as the new location is very close to be open in case another key employee leaves ,who will be in the old location if my partner is busy in the new location?
Fear is no reason to make a decision. See below for a reminder of the nothing is Missing form C course that you attended, and what to do.
Just to let you know my partner doesn’t want him back as she think he will play these games over and over…
Why would you not listen to her, as her skill is more in people and yours is in the administration of the company?
Do I meet him just to tell him to get lost ? or play this in our favour now.?
If he creates this much brain noise in your head, I don’t believe that you can play the situation in your favour. We have sessions booked for other more important issues, so there isn’t time to do a session on it, so I’d recommend having nothing to do with him, and going cold turkey for a bit - NO CONTACT!!!
Hope is clear because actually is very messy in my head.
My heart think about make sure someone is in old location while the new location starts but my mind wants him out.
That’s not your heart talking. That is your gut and fear talking - it is emotion. The heart isn’t noisy or confused. The heart is certain and calm.
I will like in case an existing employee Leaves someone that takes care of the old location while we are focus on the new location.
It is wise to plan for potential problems. i.e. PLAN FOR THEM, not worry about them! So make a plan as to what you would do in the short term. There is another person living near the old location, who has currently got the time to work there isn’t there? (You, you dafty!!!).
Is still not trusting me that make me not trusting my partner and her abilities on creating teams not individual.

Answer

So to tackle the fear of what would happen if your existing reliable staff member leaves, here are some ideas:
1) I have repeatedly suggested that you have more employees on your books. I know that you partner has added people, but your business is always going to attract short term employees, with little company loyalty. Therefore you need more people, on shorter hours, so that you have more flexibility and more backup.
2) I have also suggested looking at a potential employee resource, who would have loyalty because they are looking for something that will fit into their lives, and give them a little bit of money. i.e. part-time Mums. You would need a lot of them to cover the jobs (i.e. you are more looking at 4 than 2), but then your other employees can cover the hours that they can’t do. Because they are grateful to get a job, they have a great advantage. But you do need plenty, because there will be no child care cover for them if their child gets ill.
3) What has happened in the past when your partner wasn’t there? Did the business fold? No. Look at the past at every situation when your partner wasn’t there. What did you and the business GAIN. No looking at what didn’t work out. Look at how it did work out.
4) I don’t believe it would be wise for your partner to concentrate totally on the new location, as that shows a lack of gratitude for the old one. She needs to be at the old one at least 1 day per week. The good news is that you can cover for her at the new location. You need to do some DM sessions so that you can own her people skills more completely.
5) What is the worst thing that could happen if you current reliable employee left? Face the fear and write down what would happen. Now, what would be the BENEFIT to you of that happening. KEEP GOING until there is no fear left!

Sept 29th - How to have a family?

Fri, 9 Oct 2009 09:37:38 +0100

Question

What are the steps I can take to be able to manage a family in the next 3-5 years? You probably know what I mean by steps and manage, and I reckon you know me well enough to know what kind of work would be wise, additionally there are things that I am unaware of as in what I need to sort out financially, etc Basically, I know what I want, I just don't know how to go about doing it yet and want to set up a bit of a plan. Does that make sense?

Answer

Ok, so there are a number of steps, and I am going to split them into 3. The great news is that I am particularly talking from experience, so I can guarantee success if you follow these steps!

Physical

Now I know that your particular case you are assuming that it wouldn’t be you to have the children in the relationship, however, hormones are important for your general health, so it would be wise to keep your options open and look after yourself.

1) When there are hormonal problems in the body, related to fertility, then an extremely complete session on your mother is key. This is likely to be at least 10 lines. But what you are looking for is to ensure that you wouldn’t want them any different, and that you don’t think that they have anything that you don’t have.
2) To balance the hormones, it is also important to do a full session on your Dad
3) If in your family there is a real split of feminine/masculine personality traits (in your perception) between you and your siblings, then doing a very complete session on them is important as well.
4) If you have any issues with sexuality or sexual things that may have happened in your past, then you also need to do full sessions on those as well.
5) Then it’s time to get your body in condition! Hydration is key for your body to work and kick out the toxins. 8 glasses of water per day, plus a glass of water for every caffienated, fizzy or alcoholic drink. You can tell if you are drinking enough water, with a really revolting test! Can you tell when you have peed in the toilet? If you can see yellow, then you aren’t drinking enough ;o)
6) In my opinion (although I am not a nutritionist), the Glycaemic Index diet is the best for hormonal issues. It is really healthy and by learning to balance your sugars, you will naturally balance the hormones in your body. Rick Gallop has written some great and simple books on this, using a traffic light system.
7) Exercise is also key, and the most important thing is for it to make you feel girly and to have a laugh. Ideally, figure of eight movements also energetically activate the ovaries. So my recommendation is for 12 weeks of pole dancing classes (I can even recommend a fantastic bloke in London if you are interested), Belly Dancing, or Latin American. It doesn’t matter if you think that you are rubbish at dancing. That’s why I recommend 12 weeks - because it takes time sometimes to find our ‘inner sparkle’, it’s not about it being overtly sexy, more about having fun and being girly.
8) I used a medical herbalist (not a chinese herbalist, it is difficult to be sure of their credentials) when I first started out, and they got my periods back, so if you need some external assistance with getting things going, whilst you are doing all the sessions I suggested above!

Finding a Relationship

Do you have any issues left over about past relationships?! I suspect so. It might be ideal to do some sessions on them as well! If there is any pain associated with relationships, and any sign that relationships get in the way of your highest values, then you are not going to attract anything long lasting enough to create a family.

Once you are sure that there is no past reason to get in the way, then get clarity on your values and then link your values to being in a relationship.

I would also be very clear on what you would ideally attract, i.e. write a list! I did that 20 yrs ago, and I definitely got exactly what I asked for (of course, you do need to think carefully when writing the list, as to the ramifications of each thing!).

Remember, ‘a relationship’ is not missing from your life. So quantify what you think that it will give to you in terms of traits, and then use Form C and have a look for where it is and why you are best of with it there. The idea being that when you are totally happy with the way that life is, then you will make the space to create what you would love.

(I am aware that at the moment there are some more complicated issues with your current relationship too. I suspect these are to ensure that you tackle past issues with relationships, so keep your eye on the past baggage as well as the current).

Creating a Family

A child needs nothing more than for you to be who you are. So the more work you can do, to be who you are authentically, the better. But as for financial or practical situations, I really wouldn’t worry about it. I categorically believe that a child selects it’s parents whether biological or adopted and knows what it is getting into. All your child would love to have, is a parent who is who they are.

What I would recommend doing is the same Form C ‘Nothing is Missing’ exercise that I mentioned above (good thing you came on my workshop, so I don’t have to try and explain a whole days workshop!). So look at what you believe a family/child will bring to you and mean. Then have a look at where it is in your life and why it benefits you for it to be where it is, and why it wouldn’t benefit you for it to be in the ‘ideal fantasy’ of a child.

I have no doubt, that it was my husband going through this exercise with one of the American Demartini Facilitators (no one else in the UK at the time), which allowed/created the arrival of my son. It is a truly magical exercise to go through. Plus, even if it doesn’t create you a child immediately, it will certainly mean that you are totally comfortable with the way that life is at the moment. When you have no brain noise about an issue, you can see it more clearly.

Keep in touch and let me know if you have any questions about what I have written.

Sept 22nd - How to deal with a breakup?

Tue, 22 Sep 2009 11:22:14 +0100

Question

Please tell me about break ups. I broke up with her on Monday, and I've not broken up actively with a gf since I was 17. It was horrendous and I didn't want to do it again, so actually I'm quite grateful about being brave enough to do it for what I think is a bigger cause and important for both her, me and her gf, and it gives me the confidence that I could have freedom in a relationship, because I would probably be capable of breaking up again if I needed to, but it's fucking hard with all that can come with a break up. And it's a bit of a struggle. Any advice on exercises to stay strong and stay certain that it's the right thing and was the right thing to do for me and us?

Answer

Ok, sometimes you need to give yourself some time to get stronger, but creating a forced removal and not having any contact, i.e. do not reply to texts, mobile phone messages, emails etc. Once you have done this for a little while, it gives you the distance that you so need in order to see more clearly again.

So I would recommend the following:
- Benefits to you of not answering any attempt at contact
- Benefits to the other parties of you not answering any attempt at contact
- A daily reward to yourself for remaining strong
- If you hiccup oneday, that’s fine, just get up the next day, phone me, I’ll give you a virtual smack (joking) and then get on with it.

Then over the coming weeks, what you are looking to do is:

1) Remove any vestiges of guilt to the girl and other parties involved. So a DM session on how you would describe your behaviour during this time (remember positive & negative traits), aiming at no sense of guilt at the end.

2) Keep listing what you think is missing and where it has gone (Form C - luckily having attended my ‘Nothing is Missing’ workship, you should be pretty good at it). As this is going to be a work in progress, you can actually write it out long hand, rather than use initials, so that you can keep looking back on it.

1) And eventually a full DM session on the girl, so that all remnants of resentment & infatuation have disappeared.

REMEMBER - when looking at benefits & disadvantages, keep your eye not just on the 7 areas of life, but also your key values/voids, mission and what you would love to achieve by the end of your life.

Keep in touch xxxx

Update following on from comments from the recipient
You made an important point in your email: that you had realised that the woman you were having the affair with, had lied and cheated to you as well as her partner.
This is really important. I meet many people who say “I judge people by their behaviour to me, not how they have treated other people”, which is just plain daft! Yes, we all have all the traits, i.e. we have all cheated & lied etc, to the same degree. However, our values show how we display those traits. So if someone has a tendency to cover up a lack of self-esteem by lieing & cheating to their partners, they are likely to do the same to you in order to survive!
It is more wise to see what kicks off their behaviour & expression of those traits, and then be prepared for them doing the same to you, if you put them in the same position.

Sept 15th - Why do Affairs Happen?

Tue, 22 Sep 2009 11:04:52 +0100

Question

Why do affairs happen? So often there is no obvious reason, like a bitchy wife or refusing sex?

Answer

Affairs are fascinating, as there really are reasons for them to occur, which explain what often appears to be totally illogical.

1) ‘The victim’ is not selling themselves to their partner in terms of their partner’s values. They may not be being horrid, but it could be as little as just taking them for granted a little or assuming that they will always be faithful.

1) There is ‘baggage’ in both the ‘victim’s and ‘culprit’s emotional lives about unfaithfulness. Either they have been unfaithful and it’s time for them to experience the opposite, or they are still upset about someone being unfaithful to them. (Of course we are all unfaithful, so in a way both will be true). Often, I have found that the ‘baggage’ goes all the way back to the parents too and something that happened with them.

1) There is a change in the ‘victims’ empowerment levels. It can either happen because they suddenly become disempowered or ironically because they become more empowered. The reason that this happens is because their partner will then subconsciously either match their change or look for someone else who matches what they used to be like.

To be aware of:
a) The ‘victim’ in the partnership, will also have been having an affair. Work out what ‘affair’ means to them, e.g. was it an emotional one, a fantasy, or a disloyalty in another area of life?
b) The person having the affair in the partnership will have blamed all that is wrong in their life on their partner and assume all that is good is down to the new relationship. So they definitely have a tendency to not taking responsibility for their lives and what they are dissatisfied with.
c) Affairs often happen at what appears to be the most ‘socially unacceptable’ point in time, because that is when the ‘victim’ is most disempowered, e.g. when they are pregnant (very prevalent).
d) Ironically, I have often found that the so called ‘victim’ can come out of the whole situation much more powerfully than anyone else in the whole scenario. The ‘other woman’ is often much more lacking in self-esteem and of course the ‘culprit’ will be very guilt ridden.
e) The likelihood of a second marriage surviving that arose from an affair is statistically much lower than the first. I suspect this is because of the guilt and if people worked through that, there would be much greater degrees of success.
f) The ‘culprit’ does tend to stay in the original relationship - especially a guy who is married with children. This is because when they look at the reality of the cost of leaving versus what they think they will gain from the fantasy affair, suddenly the fantasy will be much less attractive!
g) Physical affairs, are totally resolvable, and there is no reason why a relationship that has been through this challenge can’t survive and go on from strength to strength.

p.s. I’ve used the words ‘victim’ and ‘culprit’ and ‘other woman’ just as convenient titles, but as you know I don’t believe any of them are ‘true’.

Comments from Recipient With answers from me
(by the way, if you do by one of theses Q&A’s I do appreciate knowing how they work for you - you can either email me or comment on the site).

Comment: Thank you so very much. I'm still sort of digesting it, and I don't quite understand it yet. Especially the affair stuff. It's so simplified that I can't quite yet get my head around which one or combinations it would have been for us.
Ah - I totally understand what you are saying here. The problem is that society puts such a lot of charge onto affairs, that people look for HUGE reasons why they happen, and often there is no obvious answer, so it can be confusing. But in fact the answer is easy. At that point in time the ‘partner’ was not selling themselves well in the values of the person who had the affair. The new person will have appeared to match their values much better. If we don’t appreciate our partners, we can be pretty sure that someone else will do! If we become disempowered, then we lose attraction to our partner, and ironically if we become more powerful we can scare off our partners. The ‘baggage’ about affairs is what tends to attract the disruption in terms of an affair, rather than maybe a busy job or something else to take the interest of our partners, plus any repression on our part. For example, if we are fantasising about doing something, but don’t do it, then often their partner will go ahead and do it. I’ve even heard of people having an affair with someone, and then finding out that their partner fancied them too!

And it's very much from the point of view of the couple rather than the outsider.
True: I didn’t mention how come the ‘outsider’ gets involved. There appear to be a couple of different reasons for being attracted to someone already in a relationship. (Remember, not to judge either, it is simply a matter of values, with the added mixture of nature pushing us to find someone to have kids with).

1) If they would like to be in a relationship, they can therefore be pretty sure that it is also in the values of the ‘insider’ as they have already proved their ability to be in a relationship! (The logic of wanting a relationship with someone who has the ability to be unfaithful as well, doesn’t tend to figure!). Society gets very shocked when a woman gets involved with a married man with children. However, he has already proved that he would like to commit, and procreate, so he is a good bet, especially if it is possible he could afford the maintenance and a new wife! These people will be able to ‘sniff’ out someone who likes being in a relationship, but is currently dissatisfied with their partner, and offer themselves as a much more attractive option.

1) Then of course there are people whose values mean that they would currently prefer to not be in a relationship that is heavy or heading towards marriage. If someone is already in a relationship, then they make the perfect option. It’s all about fun, and none of the boring suburban stuff. They are obviously very attractive to the person in the relationship, because they appear to be offering ‘no strings’, and appear strong because they are not ‘needy’! These people are unlikely to want to get found out or caught, unless they also have a high value on danger.

Also it was quite towards the point of view that the couple should perhaps stay together,
All relationships can be kept together.
That doesn’t mean that they have to!
But if we move on, we aren’t going to have it easier, or get rid of the problems that we had in the first relationship.
Sometimes, it is easier to move on, because a slightly different package (but same problem), is easier to get our head around and work with.
Sometimes, once we have got our head around a situation, there is no longer a need to leave.
Sometimes, however much we get to a point that we unconditionally love someone, our paths or ultimate purposes are soooo different, that it is not viable to remain together, because someone would have to compromise their higher purpose.
But it’s not until we get to the point that we love all potential outcomes and all people involved totally, that we will know which way it is going to go.
When I work with a couple, and I have actually worked with a couple and the ‘other person’ in the past, I start out saying that it is the same amount of work to stay together as to part, so we work with no specific objective. What I would recommend is that anyone in this situation is sure that all parties have come to unconditionally love the others involved. If you can do that, you can be sure that you won’t have to face the same scenario again in another situation/time.

and not that perhaps such a thing would be a sign for something not working out so well, and yes a demartini standpoint might be to look at each party empowering themselves, whereas in other life it usually means you need to do something about it and it's a sign things aren't right, or am I a total idiot in this.
Of course you are not an idiot (well only sometimes, just like the rest of us). But you are listening to the traditional ‘excuses’ for an affair. It is not a ‘sign’ that it is not working out. It’s just a sign of all the things I mentioned above!

It's just that in my experience, infidelity has usually been a way to either keep the relationship short or ensure it served its purpose but had a reason to end at some point, or to suddenly end it by revealing the infidelity.
Yes, if people are no good at leaving a relationship by just learning to love it as it is, and then let it come to a natural end, then they can use infidelity as a tool. But it is not always the reason behind it. Infidelity can also come from the baggage, which it would be ideal for them to deal with. The types of baggage are: “I should never have an affair”, being hurt by someone having an affair, “I can’t do that with my partner because it is too ____” (enter word, e.g. dirty, naughty etc.

But perhaps I'm meant to learn about people going through all sorts and still caring about each other and sticking it out and working through hard challenges.
Well, in the end, if it is in someone’s values to have a very long term relationship, they are going to have to get their heads around working through the hard times, yes. Especially if kids are going to be involved - they do require a willingness for patience and for the relationship not to be no1 priority for a while (not a short term while!).

Hmm, I think I need more time to think about this. Too many options. Emotions and pain aside, it's interesting stuff. I think I might have a high value on understanding relationships, and maybe that's why I like groups and communities so much more than the 1 on 1 stuff. We'll see, something to explore further.
Yes, I agree with this totally. Remember, each relationship we have, in every area of life, is important. We won’t be meeting our actual ‘soul mate’ on this earth, but each relationship we have, will get us closer to that point in our evolution.

Aug 27th - Work Worries

Sat, 29 Aug 2009 11:10:24 +0100

Question

Why I do not trust my partner ability on choosing employees that can make good sales for our business?
Why my worries are now making not sleep as my mind keep going on the business? Is it ok to have an office at home?

Answer

Part 1 - Not Trusting your partner

Is nothing to do with your poor partner, but all about you not trusting yourself to do the key aspects of your role!

What is it that you are meant to do, that you don’t do, or procrastinate about or don’t do very well?
What about the things that in the past I gave you as business strategy tasks to do? What about some of the financial/paying strategies that your company had before I gave you a bit of a kick up the butt? Or about getting distracted by other people or other business ideas?

Step 1 - write benefits to yourself and your work partner about how you haven’t been totally trustworthy to do what you were meant to do? Why or what did you guys gain from it? Maybe a sensible delay so that you didn’t jump into a new business opportunity too quick? The opportunity to really learn things? Giving your partner the opportunity to work with me, which they enjoy (I’m assuming!). Making you guys really sort out your relationship, which was a key threat to the business?

Step 2 - now don’t feel guilty about irritating your partner and not trusting them either! So what are the benefits to them and you of you doing this (they can do this too if they like!). For example, they get a chance to tell you off. It means that by then working on it with me, you are beginning to actually ‘Get’ the Demartini material. They are getting more and more certain about their own worth, without anyone else needing to tell them. For you, it’s a comfortable feeling, to be worrying about something that you don’t have to take responsibility for, plus it’s a good old drama - remember we haven’t broken your addiction to that yet, or replaced it with a new one.

Step 3 - please list all the reasons, experiences & skills that your partner has to do the task you are looking for. Why does it benefit you for your partner to make the odd mistake? Isn’t it better now, rather than later, when there will be more money involved? Or when you only have 1 location, and are there to watch the staff?

Part 2- Worries in your mind & working/sleeping at home

So the reason you still have these worries is because we haven’t yet broken your addiction to them, and they work for you - we only do what works for us. It’s a comfortable and well known habit, that you are used too.

If you set your boundaries clearly, then there is no problem with working and sleeping in the same place. But NO COMPUTERS or work stuff in the bedroom.

If you would like to change it then there are a couple of options:
- Did you buy the Bach Sleep Rescue Remedy that I recommended (available from any big chemist)?
- Have you got sensible sleep patterns, of always going to bed at the same time and getting up at the same time?
- Are you stopping caffienne, & particularly chocolate after mid-day?
- Do you eat carb-rich foods e.g. pasta for dinner
- Do you leave enough time before going to bed min 3hrs after a big meal - reduce the size of the meal if it is less?
- Are you getting exercise 3 times per week and fresh air every day?
- Do you write down your worries, or just let them wander around your head over & over?
- Is there fresh air in the bedroom and is it restful?
- Do you have a routine that you always follow to go to bed?
- Is your body physically pent up - do you need a massage or reiki treatment?

Re overcoming the worries there are 2 options, pick one and write 100 reasons why it would be good for you/benefit you to do them, to move yourself into action:
- Use up the extra mental power by doing something that works your brain without energising it. For example, if I play Solitaire on my iphone it uses up the remaining brain power. Whereas if I read, it will energise me and keep me awake.
- Or use the power of counting blessings and looking for the silver lining to calm things. So sit there and look at what you can be grateful for.

Part 3 - An extra comment
I’m going to write about this in my next newsletter, but seriously, STOP talking about what you don’t have and try talking about what you do have.
So when you don’t bring in the same cash sales, what did you gain? Are you looking at the full picture - of the week, or month? Are you being realistic with a sudden rush on holidays over the past 2 weeks across the UK? Are you considering both sales and costs?
When there is a staff change, what did you get from your other staff? You will NEVER have 100% reliable and brilliant staff, you will always have both ‘good’/‘bad’.
One of the greatest blocks to getting more of anything in your life is being ungrateful for what you do have - so each time you catch yourself being ungrateful, have a go at looking for what you can be grateful for.

Aug 20th - Worrying About Break Ins

Sat, 29 Aug 2009 10:18:25 +0100

Question

I own a house abroad and recently someone tried to break in. This isn’t uncommon and every house on our street has been broken into except ours. There isn't much to steal, but for me its a huge invasion of my space and there is nothing i can do. Alarms, locks, etc are all easily bypassed with the right tools. I realised I wouldn't think twice about killing someone who enters my space, or brings my family harm. And in many ways that makes me feel helpless and i feel a lack of control, both in wanting to protect my property but also in the extremity of my reaction/thoughts.

Answer

Ok, so this is quite a complicated question, so let’s break it down into different bits
- The house being abroad & Not being able to protect the house
- Fear of break-ins
- Invading someone’s space when there is nothing they can do
- Willing to go to extremes to protect what you value

1) Fear of Break-Ins

So the problem with fear, is that it can be paralysing, and make us ignore options that are available. So let’s first look at the fear. If you look at what happened to all the other houses, what’s the worst thing that could happen? Loss of property, and there isn’t much you say? What would the benefit be to you, your values, and your loved ones, of that property getting pinched? Remember your training on ‘Nothing is Missing’ - if you ‘lost’ these goods, what would you get in return?

For example, my sister-in-law lost all her electrical goods to a lightening strike, and was bemoaning how unlucky she was until her insurance company replaced them all with shiny new versions that she would never have been able to afford to buy. Or sometimes, it can be a relief, because it helps people to clear things out.

Sit down and list all the potential gains, until you are at least no longer worried about this bit. Then have a think? Are there ways that you could protect the house more? Do you have all the insurance you need (insurance is not fear thinking, as long as you pop it in a drawer & don’t need to think about it anymore)? Are there things that the burglars might like, that you don’t want to lose? Where could they go for safe keeping?

1) The House Being Abroad & Not Being Able to Protect the House

This is definitely a large part of the problem, as realistically there is not much that you can do when you are so far away. But also, it is a sign that you need to ‘let go’ a bit.
Is there anyone else who also has responsibility for it? Like relatives or an agent? Why would it benefit them for you to pass on responsibility (even energetically) for it? What is the downside to you of feeling responsible for it?

1) Invading People’s Space When there is nothing they can do about it

So this smacks of being something that you are p***ed off with yourself for? When have you done this? Invading someone else’s relationship? Or charming someone with your wicked ways, leaving them defenseless?! Getting in someone’s face when they don’t want any conflict? It could be physically, sexually, energetically, work-wise, all sorts?

Now I know that you tend to think of yourself as keeping people people away - so is it because you think that there are downsides to being physically or emotionally close to you? What are the benefits to them of these so-called downsides?

Make sure that you are OK with you invading people’s space in the past, now and in future.

1) Willing to go to extremes to protect what you value

Now, I totally get this, because if anyone tried to hurt my little boy I would totally kill them without a second thought, but I don’t feel guilty about it! Most of us would, if something was important enough to us. This just proves to you, what is important and also highlights that you do have a quite protective side to you, I even remember being ‘protected’ by you myself at one point.

Do you know that some of the women who are assaulted and killed, could probably have got away if they were willing to stick their fingers in someone’s eyes and blind them? Being all ‘nice and passive’ can be a really daft thing (sorry no offense to the passivists out there).

So what’s the benefit to you, what you love, the people you love of you being willing to protect them physically, emotionally & mentally. What would the benefit be to the person you killed/maimed/hurt in the process - think of why they might be breaking in?

So let me know if this sorts out this worry for you - there maybe a little bit left over, but I’m happy to add more comments if you need.

June 24th - Quick Gratitude

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 13:50:00 +0100

Question

When something occurs that charges us and we don't have time to get our pen and paper out, or maybe we don't want to...is there a quick mental format that you use to bring you to the place of "calm" within minutes, if so could you explain further?

Answer

I am loathe to recommend that anyone concentrate on a ‘mental format’, because I have seen so many people who claim to be able to do the DM in their heads, but whom seem to spend a great deal of time in their ‘heads’ and not much in their ‘hearts’.

But if what you are looking for is a quick way to return to equanimity, so that you can continue to function and be present, then here are some tips (I often do quick 30 min sessions on just such things):

1) If it was an accusation
If someone accused you of something, then I recommend you look to column 2/9 and find places in your life and people who would agree with their description of you. Remember, it is always going to be true somewhere.
This is particularly useful, because it means that if you then behave to them as though you ‘hear’ their accusation, the communication between you will flow much more easily. Great with partner’s!!!

1) If you are worried about losing something
Look at all the benefits of losing it until you are no longer scared. For example a job or car etc.

1) If you are worried someone/a group don’t want you any more
Look at all the benefits to them of you belonging to their group, so that you come across with certainty. If you perceive your worth, then so will they. This helps you to clarify what your ‘unique selling point’is as well - i.e. why are you of value to the world.

1) If you think someone has been horrid
Look for where you did it too, so that you can understand that your reason for being charged is your guilt about your actions, not their behaviour. I recommend watching the big brother nomination nights - they give great insight into the people nominating, and a view on how different people see things do differently.

1) If someone rejects you
Look at their values and yours, so that you can see it is not a personal rejection, just a matter of the fact that they don’t see a match in values.

1) If you feel you have just had a terrible time/day with someone
Look for who else has been nice to you. What phonecalls/emails/texts/online community answers have just come through. Remember, there will always be a person thinking you are great, if someone else thinks you aren’t.

1) Count Your Blessings
You don’t have to get grateful for what just happened. Just get grateful!
Look at you life, what/whom you’ve got? A body? A nice cup of coffee? A house? A sunny day? Family? Friends? A job?

The more that you use the DM, the more it becomes second nature. I recommend that you do a Transformation Workshop with one of the facilitators, so that you can deepen your understanding of the columns and hear a different description of them, in comparison to Dr D.

Let me know in the comments below if you have any questions?